She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
