your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
