It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
