Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
