my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
