ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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