wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
