I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
