I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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