Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
