she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
