The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
