Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
