fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
