it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
