Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
