So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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