probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I just found a bag of teeth...
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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