Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
