$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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