i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
