do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
