After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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