what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
