i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
