why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
