God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
