Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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