I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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