so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
