i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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