Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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