After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
