I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
