If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
