remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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