textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
