i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
