so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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