ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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