I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
