If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
We left an ass print on the piano.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Sorry my hands just texted you
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
