No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
