the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
