Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You have to summon your inner elephant
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
