when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
