I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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