apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Randomize
