She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
