they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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