i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
